I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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