At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
