SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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