Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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