You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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