I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
