i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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