im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
