I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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