so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
