I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
