One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
