FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Randomize
