Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
