you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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