I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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