I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
