A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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