Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
