I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
