I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
