And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
