Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
