You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I am midnight drunk by noon
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
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