what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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