did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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