My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
