I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
