Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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