Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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