I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
