You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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