I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
