Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
