Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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