Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
