so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
