My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
