I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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