I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
