I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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