im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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