Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
