Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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