Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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