Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
