Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
