yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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