Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
