the condom got lost in my hair
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
