My first STD was from a foam party
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
