Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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